Dear Future Offspring,

I was perusing the Pinterest the other day and started noticing this creepy looking thing routinely popping up. I finally gave in and clicked on one of the images and found that it was an “Elf on the Shelf”. I did what I usually do when I am hopeful that the internet is hoaxing me: I googled it.

After reading this and this, I felt pretty certain that I had a handle on what is going on here: some Martha Stewart wannabe invented this garbage so more mothers everywhere could feel inferior. I keep hoping that this is an EPIC internet joke and that this does not actually exist. Just… insane.

Let’s be clear. Mommy is not getting you an Elf on a/the Shelf. Ever.

If the main objective is to get young children to behave by lying to them about a plastic toy and his/her ability to fly and tattle and the way to make this whole “creepy plastic toy being able to fly and tattle” thing plausible is to stay awake each night for 4 weeks coming up with a new pose and a new way to mess up your house, well I think there are better (and more importantly, lazy) ways to scare your children into behaving:

I give you Exhibit A Belsnickel; Exhibit B La Befana; and most importantly Exhibit C Krampus.

Mommy has no interest in keeping up with the Martha Stewart Mommies Who Don’t Sleep because mommy will (and DOES) need to sleep at night so that she doesn’t lose it during the day when actual non-posable imperfect life moments happen. Mommy is going to attempt to teach you that being good is important in and of itself and not just purely for the goal of getting something in return.

And if we’re lucky, mommy hopes to impart to you the spirit of giving, of family in all its wonderful forms, of being joyful, and kind all year ’round; because that’s what makes your heart grow three sizes and that’s what makes you a good person.

So, no Elf on a Shelf for you. And I feel fairly confident that this does not mean you will become a stripper/gigolo, so, nice try, come up with a better excuse.

Love,

Mommy